I know what you’re thinking. What more could Jess possibly have to say about this topic? You’d be surprised. After all, statistically, males dominate the category of perpetrators of violence, while females dominate the category of victims of violence. So unfortunately for all the boys and men in the world, they have to be the prime target when it comes to talking about prevention, and understanding why violence happens.
I think it’s important to recognize this single truth. The vast majority of boys and men in this world are good, decent, non-offending humans. Majority of the sexual assault and domestic violence assaults are committed by a minority group of males, but still, even those in the majority remain silent too often. I believe their silence is complicity, but I believe the silence of anyone is complicity in violence. Your sex organs or gender do not keep you from being either an idol bystander, a silent supporter, or an encourager of violence.
We have to recognize which camp we are in, and begin to untangle ourselves from the ways in which we unconsciously teach boys to be either idol bystanders or active participants in violence. That’s going to be hard to do in a world that has a toxic masculinity problem. Which, I realize those two words put together may actually really upset people. I once had a school refuse to have us in there because we used that terminology. Depending on what news sources you watch, perhaps you’ve even seen entire specials or segments on these two words blended with this idea of a “war on masculinity” …
Let me first state for the record. I love masculinity and femininity equally - as a feminist this is key to my stance on seeing the diversity in the world and respecting it. Everyone is created different, with different skill sets, with different ideas about life and ways of expressing themselves. So, let’s break down what I mean by the terms toxic masculinity and why I believe it is important to see and squash.
Both masculinity and femininity are man-made concepts in much of the way the world looks at them. When I say this, I’m specifically addressing cultural expectations of the different sexes/genders. The idea that girls are not made for war because their muscles aren’t as big as men, that men are terrible at nurturing their children because they can’t feed them with their own body, etc. These things are just ways, in my opinion, that humans have tried to make sense of the biological.
Of course, at a certain time in our evolution or even spiritual journey on this earth, having gender roles made sense. But we don’t live in a time when we are hunting and gathering for our food sources, making our clothes from scratch with animal skins. So, we must adapt, and as we adapt we must adapt our thinking in how we raise children.
I suppose one could argue that the feminist movement has in some way forced the pendulum to swing to the far right when it comes to masculinity. What I mean by this is that whenever we see such a massive shift in the way something operates we’re bound to see something of equal or greater importance shift too. As more women stood up against rigid stereotypes and expectations it makes sense that men found themselves wondering, “where do I fit?” In fact, we saw this in the 1940’s after WWII ended and the women didn’t want to leave the workforce. We also saw a major push by the media and ad companies to put women in their place. Pink kitchens, anyone?
When I say toxic masculinity what I am talking about is this extreme version of a man made idea. That is, to be manly means to be absent of the feminine. Manly men have beards, work on cars, fish or hunt. They wear plaid and flannel, their hands are rough and they drink beer or whiskey. They’re there to play with or punish their kids, but none of that soothing a crying child. Masculine men don’t cry or whine when they don’t get something they want, because masculine men never fail to get what they want. Toxic masculinity means not backing down, fighting for what you want - even getting physical. Have lot’s of sexual experience, also known as conquests.
Yet, masculinity is not all of these things. Masculinity is a beautiful expression that complements the femininity within it. Neither femininity or masculinity are polar opposites. For instance, it isn’t the lion that will kill someone when their cub is in danger, it’s the lioness. Have you ever seen a mother bear when her cubs are near? Yes, the lion protects the women, but not because he cares for them, but because the women are a biological means to assuring he will never die. In fact, in most animal kingdoms the new male will kill the previous males off spring - this is biology. We’re humans - aren’t we better than this?
Ending toxic masculinity isn’t about destroying the masculine in this world, it is about redefining the beauty in the masculine without destroying the feminine. Raising boys to be emotionally intelligent isn’t training them to be weak, in fact it is raising them to be more successful in their work and personal lives. Being able to recognize their emotions and properly deal with them is key to any successful life. Teaching our boys to bottle their emotions until they reach the bottom of the bottle is endangering our boys and killing our girls.
There is nothing more attractive than a man who plays with his children without fear of being seen as weak. A man who holds his son as he cries, or a son who holds his old father as he mourns the loss of his spouse. We are more than the two worlds would have us believe. Let us expand our idea of what boys and girls can be. Let us not fight to keep old expectations from generations past, and be willing to adapt to new, life giving options.
Let our sons be given all the opportunities to see the world as our daughters are given. And yes, let us give our daughters all the same opportunities to see the world as our sons are given. Let them change the stars in the universe to discover the answers we’ve all been looking for.
It is not weak to love. It is not weak to cry. It is not weak to walk away from a fight. It is not weak to fail. It is not weak to say what you’re thinking or feeling. Until we accept these core truths about humanity, toxic masculinity will continue to plague our homes. But let me leave you with this. ..
The truth is - the only war on masculinity, is the one where we refuse to let boys be human.
