I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant and I’ve had a lot of time to process what parenthood could look like in my life with my husband. After 7 years of trying for a baby, we found ourselves in the midst of a life crushing pandemic in 2020 with the news of life, love and hope. I reached out to online support and got into a really amazing group of supportive mothers to be and mothers. There is a common thread in these groups however that I can’t help but grow increasingly frustrated with. It usually begins something like, “Okay mamas…. my husband did…” and ends with a slew of comments replying with, “…men…” or “men need to be taught…”
There certainly is a learning curve when it comes to parenting, I think for everyone. I suspect I’m a bit more prepared for the mothering and parenting world than my husband simply due to my experience with watching children growing up. There is also the nurture component, things like cooking, cleaning and child rearing weren’t really a focus of my husband’s upbringing. While they weren’t ingrained in me as much as some other women I know, I absolutely have an easier time in the kitchen or the laundry room than my husband.
I recall prior to our marriage we, my husband and I, sat down and we made a list of expectations we had for one another. Admittedly, our list looked a lot like the culture I’m trying to change. He would be the bread winner, while I would be in charge of the cooking & cleaning - now mind you at the time, I was working full time in another profession. Once I stopped working, it made sense to me the pick up the slack in the house since I had more time on my hands.
We ebbed and flowed through our expectations of duties for the first couple of years before I became increasingly resentful. I realized that we hadn’t really given it much thought before, and I wanted to tackle the real reason I was expected to do these things while he was supposed to get a “thank you” for “helping”. At the end of the day we finally acknowledged the way our culture perpetuated a gender stereotype within our marriage, and we wanted to change that.
We took time to think about what we were both really good at, what we wanted to get better at, and what we absolutely hated that the other person didn’t seem to mind as much. We recognized that it still made sense that the person not working full time would have more of the load at home, again simply because of time, but it couldn’t be because of anything else.
Interestingly enough, my husband works in sales and for himself. So, our available time to work on different tasks was actually a lot closer than we had originally thought, given we were both home. As I picked up a part time job in the domestic and sexual violence world, our time away from the home became flipped - as I was away more often. He picked up the slack - changing laundry before or after calls, starting dinner before I got home, etc.
He did this not because he wanted a thank you, but because he is a grown adult living in a house that requires management. He needs food for fuel. He needs clean clothes for life and work. He appreciates a clean kitchen, living room, bathroom etc. Removing the expectation that either of us are responsible to do these tasks for one another was key to saving our marriage - seriously. It formed a partnership of two people living life TOGETHER as opposed to living life FOR ONE ANOTHER.
There’s this messaging that young girls get about men a lot. We’re told as young girls to wait for the “men” to come, and not bother with the “boys” of the world. The problem is…. when do boys become men? What does that statement even mean? And how exactly are we supposed to see “men” in a world that prioritizes the colloquial saying “boys will be boys” when referring to males of any age?
In my group, I can’t really count the amount of times women are posting that their husbands can’t even be with their children for 5 minutes without interrupting their wives with questions or help. There is a constant use of “husbands helping out…” or “Husbands babysitting kiddos tonight!” … It honestly irks me, but it also breaks my heart because it is so clear why we are struggling the way we are.
See, the problem in my opinion is that we often leave the raising of our boys up to the women in their adult lives. Of course, this isn’t everyone - there are certainly a lot of women in this group and around the world who correct the above statements, and who don’t follow the “boys will be boys” mentality to raising their sons. I’m afraid I don’t see it enough though.
I’ve had past friends “brag” about their husbands babysitting the kids, mocking their inability to change diapers, or make jokes at their failures as a dad. On the flip side, we see this happen as a justification for staying in abusive relationships. A statement like, “He’s terrible to me, but he always plays with the kiddos…” is one of the most common things I’ve heard from victims of abuse. It’s hard to not be flabbergasted, in my head I’m screaming, “This man is going to kill you… he’s not a good father…” but I nod my head and support women as they work through what they want, and what’s best for them.
Within the evangelical community - a community I used to be apart of - there is a lot of misplaced responsibility on the girls around boys and men. An old friend of mine used to complain often about women wearing leggings because her husband has a problem with pornography and she doesn’t need him tempted everywhere he goes … I still shake my head in wonder - how is it a woman’s fault for being objectified by someone addicted to pornography?
The purity culture of many faiths, but in particular that of the evangelical community has placed nearly 100% of the responsibility of sexuality purity on girls, while giving boys a free ride on growing into their sexuality and desires. Placing women as the gatekeepers to another person’s sexuality is only damaging us as humans. Damaging a girls ability to understand her sexuality apart from the boys in the world, and perpetuating the rape we see so often in the world by not teaching our boys to take responsibility over their own sexual urges.
Essentially when we support ideas like women/girls having to cover up so they don’t invoke sexual urges in the men/boys around them, we tell boys/men that women/girls are to be looked at & felt first, not respected. We teach women that the most important thing they can do in this world is be seen. Admittedly, I’ve felt this way. Wondering if my husband thinks I’m beautiful, but aching for him to compliment me more on my intelligence, thoughts, or creativity - which I’m happy to say he does and often.
I guess what I’m saying is that we have a lot of learning to do when it comes changing the patterns in our society, specifically in how we are raising boys to be men. Who gets to decide what a man actually looks and behaves like? How do we find a common ground with faith communities desiring no sex before marriage without instilling guilt and shame into the girls of the world through purity culture? How do we teach young adults to manage their own sexual desires and see the men and women around the world as their equals rather that potential conquests?
And can we, finally, start seeing the men whose genetics allowed them to create life as worthy of learning to care for said life in the same way we instill this into the girls and women of the world?
More to come…
In truth,
Jess
