Suicide has been on my mind a lot lately. Over the last several years we’ve lost celebrities, service members, advocates and victims of abuse to the chokehold of suicide. I’m a very empathetic person, when I hear about another life lost, I can’t help but feel the suffocating feeling of death. As much as I hate it, I understand it. As a society, we’re struggling to make sense of another person’s choice to end their life. We post hotline numbers on our social media accounts with words like, “someone is always here” … On more than one occasion, I’ve tilted my head, squinted my eyes and said, “really?” when I’ve seen certain people post that.
My struggle is that when victims/survivors tell story after story of abuse more often than not I don’t see support being given back. I see them denied justice when they come forward with their experience of sexual assault. In fact, I just saw someone on twitter who has spoken out publicly about the abuse she endured for years from a prominent leader of a Southern Baptist Church be run over in the comments section calling her a liar or demanding she forgive and move on.
Healing from trauma is often lonely. There are days that turn into months and even years that feel like I’m utterly alone. It is me, myself and I in my body. While I am not responsible for the pain done to me, I am responsible for the healing - and that my friends is where the hard part begins for many of us.
Having a support system is important. People who can show empathy, and encourage us as victims to process the trauma in the most healing way for us are hard to come by - at least when you’re not paying them. People who victim/survivors can count on. The tough part, I believe, for many friends and family of victims/survivors is they feel at a loss, even when they believe them - which is half the battle most of the time!
A friend and fellow advocate always encourages folks who hear her story to be specific when caring for victims/survivors. Blanket statements like, “Call me anytime! I am here for you” are certainly said with compassion, but the reality is we aren’t always available as humans. Every person carries trauma with them, some more obvious than others. Calling someone who says they’re there for you, but turn out not to be, is a let down many victim’s experience too often, even when it’s not done with malicious intent. This singular event may even lead victims/survivors to not reach out to those hotlines. After all… It doesn’t matter that someone they’ve never met cares about them if their core group doesn’t.
To be clear… The above thinking is trauma brain. Of course it matters in the broad sense that we have these hotlines. What I’m trying to express is how the isolation some victims experience as abuse survivors can be so devastating if there isn’t a core group or support system available as they heal. Especially if the person who violated them in the first place was someone very close to them - which tends to be the majority of assault cases.
Creating circles of people within our society, our family units, our neighborhoods, our faith communities, etc is key to creating a nurturing environment for people to lean on. Trust is broken when assault takes place. Both trust of others outside of ourselves, and trust within ourselves.
Victim/Survivors may look at the world, myself included, as this dark and uncertain place. A place where anyone is capable of hurting us. Even worse, is the trust that’s broken within the victim/survivors mind with themselves. A trust I have personally struggled to rebuild. Trusting my own body to do what I want. Trusting my own instincts on whether or not someone is or a group of people are safe.
Having a compassionate group around victim/survivors can be healing. A group that will let the pace of healing direct itself. Who will show healthy boundaries and respect boundaries.
Of course another key to healing is having access to services, whether those be medical to deal with any medical issues that arose in the assault like a traumatic brain injury, STI/STD, or other injury. Mental health resources with qualified and trained mental health professionals. Which, a small word on this - while trauma is trauma, a therapist who can help someone navigate the loss of their child may not the best person to help a person navigate losing their own childhood.
Understanding how often victims/survivors are experiencing the world through their trauma lens is so important. The most mundane tasks, or slightly off-putting experiences for others may be make it or break it situations for victim/survivors. Things like getting their hair cut may trigger memories of their hair being pulled during an assault. Having physical therapy for unrelated injuries may trigger muscle memories of assaults. A smell while grocery shopping or in a restaurant may remind the victim/survivor of what they had eaten prior to experiencing an assault.
So often, our world is built to push down trauma, rather than allow trauma a space to have a voice, giving it boundaries that say, “this is safe, but this isn’t forever.” Something we learn about in trauma therapy.
It’s okay to let yourself feel those big emotions, and it’s imperative that a healing take’s place that allows a victim/survivor to see the strength they have. This is so much easier with a support system.
Everyone knows a victim/survivor of abuse. We see your words, your posts and your actions. We learn if we can trust you. We learn if we can trust the world through you.
The truth is…. healing is tough. Healing is almost impossible in a world that refuses to prioritize healing and compassion for those of us healing.
In truth,
Jess
