I was 13 years old when I first remember experiencing sexual harassment or what it is commonly referred to as street harassment. I was walking down the street and a car full of men started to whistle and shout out to me. My nerves forced me to stare forward, little did I know how my ignoring them would create a potentially dangerous situation - they followed me becoming more aggressive in their comments before finally calling me a slew of names like bitch. Sadly, this is a common occurrence, which is why it’s important we have a conversation about the difference between a compliment and sexual harassment.
I got to thinking about all the time’s i’ve complimented people. I’ve complimented co-workers, family members, friends, people I’ve just met and people I’ve never met but saw on the street/club/in line at a store, etc. Something about all of these instances is the fact that I was 100% sure that nothing I was saying was going to make that person uncomfortable. You may be wondering…. “how jess? How can you know for 100% certain that your compliments didn’t make a person feel uncomfortable?” Great question! Let me expound.
When I give someone a compliment, I’m not hoping to gain access to their body.
Let me repeat that.
When I give someone a compliment, I am NOT hoping to gain access to their body.
Let’s create a DO and DON’T guide for compliments for easy reading.
DO (for people you have a relationship with)
You look really nice today!
I love your outfit, where’d you get it?
Your hair looks great today, did you do something different?
Nice shoes!
I love your eye make up! What are you wearing?
You look snazzy in that suit!
Don’t (for people you have a non-sexual relationship with)
You look sexy today!
Damn! That dress should be illegal!
Your ass/butt looks great in those jeans
(A note: If you’re in a relationship with someone, you should respect how they want to be complimented. Your romantic partner may not want sexually implicit or explicit compliments)
Now…. how do we handle complimenting a co-worker? Does gender matter when complimenting someone?
This really boils down to the relationship you have established with that person. I’ve complimented lots of my co-workers on their outfits, their overall style and their job performance or strength areas, etc. I’ve been told by my female co-workers that I’m “cute” in relationship to my outfit choices and I wasn’t uncomfortable. Admittedly, had the male CEO of the company made a comment about my outfit choices, I’d probably be uncomfortable. However, he did compliment me on my job performance and that felt amazing!
Work related compliments from superiors, unless there is a good relationship there outside of work, should be focused on job performance. My direct supervisor complimented us all the time, but we had a very good relationship established… and we all knew she wasn’t attempted to gain access to our bodies.
It’s really just a cop out in my opinion when people, usually men, state that they’re afraid to compliment a woman now. The truth is really rooted in up rooting long held beliefs about how to compliment women that men have been taught.
First, it’s important to recognize that women for a long time have been taught that the number one factor in their lives to dictate happiness is being attractive. This leads to a spouse which leads to a family and that’s a “woman’s place” …. As a result of this thinking, the belief is that women WANT to be complimented on their bodies/appearance. Which, don’t get me wrong, I love when my spouse tells me how pretty I am or my close friends.
But being told I’m beautiful is vastly different than being stalked on the street until I accept the compliment, or being told that I have “nice tits” by a stranger or non-romantic partner.
Second, the way in which men choose to compliment women in circumstances where it’s considered harassment means that the compliment is rooted in a sexual desire of the GIVER of the compliment and not the receiver of it. Essentially, if your goal is to GET something from a person, INCLUDING A THANK YOU, the you are giving compliments incorrectly.
So, to sum up. Giving compliments is a wonderful way to encourage and uplift another person and should be done. But it shouldn’t be done while you’re in a car shouting to some woman on the street, used in order to gain access to someone’s body or continued after someone has told you to stop.
In truth,
Jess
