The last week of January on social media highlighted a discourse all too common in our current climate today. While some mourned the death of an NBA legend, others recounted his past choices. This created an even more toxic environment for folks on social media where people seemed to listen even less than normal! Over the last few months I’ve been mulling over this important question. Can we still love, respect, honor, and care for individuals who’ve committed acts of great harm to us, or others?
While this death gave us an opportunity to have a deeper discussion around this issue, this isn’t the first time we’ve had these types of conversations. The #METOO movement has given us plenty of opportunities to figure out where we fall individually when it comes to this question. When powerful persons are accused of sexual assault or sexual misconduct often times their supporters have a difficult choice to make.
If I believe the victims/survivors, does that mean I have to stop watching the movies/TV shows this person directed, acted in, or produced? Can I still listen to this artists music?
One of my friends and fellow advocates loves rap music. They have consistently expressed their conflicting thoughts about their favorite artist - R. Kelly. For them, they resolved that they’d always feel conflicted because while they believe victims/survivors, they also have emotional ties to different songs. They decided they wouldn’t purchase new music, but would continue to listen to the music they’ve already bought.
This person isn’t alone. All of us exist in a world where powerful people have be able to get away with causing great harm because of their genius. Meaning, we fall in love with the creation they make and this seemingly binds us to that person. We fall in love with certain movies and TV shows or songs because our brain connects memories to our real lives with them. I can’t tell you the amount of times I watch a show/movie that instantly brings me back to a certain moment in my life - I still think of my first kiss whenever I see The Wedding Planner!
This issue becomes even more complex when we get closer to the person in question. When that person is my partner/spouse/parent/faith leader/boss/ or friend. Given 90% of victims/survivors of sexual violence know the perpetrator, and that roughly 73% of those perpetrators are family members, this complex issue becomes a place where shame & guilt can develop even more.
When we deeply love those who’ve harmed us in a confusing way, our experience of that harm becomes intertwined with the desire to not hurt someone else. Let’s look an an example. If a parent is the one who is sexually abusing their child, and that parent is the primary income earner for the family, the child is put in a difficult place. If the child reports the abuse - assuming they understand what is happening to them is wrong - that child faces being blamed as the one who removes the families income. The desire for the child is to go back to the time when the parent wasn’t sexual abusing them, not remove the parent all together.
When I was working at the domestic violence shelter I heard many women talk about how they didn’t like the way the court system was going - and not in the way you’d imagine. They didn’t want their partner/spouse in jail or prison. They wanted them to get help, the change and understand how to make better choices. They mourned the loss of the person they loved, hoping that person would show up finally.
This is because rarely do we fall in love with someone who hurts us.
We fall in love with people who love us in ways we crave - and after we’re in love, we experience the violence. Our hearts, our brains, and our bodies have a hard time understanding this conflicting issues.
So, it begs the question. Can we love those who’ve committed acts we deem heinous and violent? Specifically a question that was asked on one of my feeds was, “does a moment in someone’s life become the sum total of their life/memory?” Simply put, I do not believe that our worst moments define us at all, however I do believe that our *mistakes and how we handle those mistakes can certainly be defining moments in our lives.
People are more than their choices certainly, but we should be mindful about how those choices, especially if they are repeated choices, impact others. We should be able to take a persons collective in mind when honoring them, which means we shouldn’t have to erase certain parts of their past we don’t like. If we feel like we have to, then I’d argue we aren’t honoring or respecting them.
I believe in the power of change and redemption. I also believe in accountability and responsibility. I believe in prioritizing the safety of people and communities while holding space for change and redemption. This is the difficult place we all have to sit in.
For many, I think some of the difficulty of this exists in the inability to see “good” people who are worthy of support as also being capable of doing harm. Among the myths we’ve seen, I believe this is the most important issue we take up in this movement to shift culture. Because as long as we refuse to see “good people” as capable of having “bad behaviors” we will continue to see the silencing and shaming of our community.
The truth? This question does not have a black and white answer. The choice is ours.
I believe and support victim/survivors and often times I’ll take my cue from them when deciding how to support them, because after all - victims/survivors know how they need/want to be supported.
I choose to hang on love, and hope for redemption with an expectation for accountability. I believe that there are instances that not supporting a person accused of a sexual assault or misconduct is the only way to support a victim/survivor, especially if there is no accountability otherwise.
There are people who’s arts I have loved but cannot seem to watch or listen to because of the great harm they’ve done to others. There are others that I struggle to let go of because so much of their art defines my childhood/adolescence.
I think we should be asking a better question though, one that hinges on our desire for change. The question we should be asking ourselves is what are we willing to do to create change?
With Truth,
Jess
Disclaimer: The use of the word “mistake” is in no way a belittling of the impact of sexual violence or a suggestion that those instances are “mistakes” as opposed to choices. I used this word to broaden the discussion around how we handle imperfect choices. Sexual violence is a choice, not an accident. One that should always end with accountability, not excuses.
