I used to watch videos of people watching a tsunami approaching. As if in a daze they would stand and watch the storm that would certainly be their destruction. Why weren’t they running? I’d ask myself. Don’t they know this is coming? It’s almost reached their shore and surely, they know they can’t outrun it, right? I sit here now, nearly 30 days after sheltering-in-place and feel like I am that person in the video. I saw the reports coming out of Wuhan, China. I felt the sadness at the loss of life over there.
Over there … The key phrase that echoes in my mind sending me in a whirlwind of regret. I stood and watched the tsunami approach my shore in awe. And now I find myself swept up in emotions and I am keenly aware that over there became here in a matter of hours… and here became no more escape for millions of children in America and around the world.
As schools and businesses around America closed down, millions of kids and parents had to adapt to a new normal when it came to their learning and parenting. For those who have access to internet, educational materials and the ability to self-start, it was a simple adjustment. For others, their children’s education may be put on hold, their learning disabilities may not be adequately matched for online or distance learning. More stress was applied to parents than ever before with utter disregard for the other stressors in that family.
As panic buying continues, more and more families who are already struggling to make ends meet, struggle to find the most basic nutrition. Roughly 29 million children rely on programs that offer free breakfast and lunch while at school according to the United States Department of Agriculture.
As if the lack of food wasn’t enough, at least 700,000 American children are the victims of neglect, physical, emotional and sexual abuse any given year. [National Children’s Alliance] This reported number, in my opinion, is too low, given how little children talk about the abuse they suffer until they are adults.
As teachers revamp their teaching lessons, they are also in a place of accepting that they have even less power to keep the children safe. Because while for many kids school is a time out from playing, for millions of kids, school is often the only reprieve they get from the abuse they endure at home. One teacher received a letter from her student saying that school was the safest place for them and now they aren’t quite sure what to do to remain safe.
Like so many other areas, our teachers are often left unequipped with the proper tools to help our children, what’s worse is their resources are now struggling to understand how to operate in the new normal of a worldwide pandemic. As agencies that provide crisis counseling, emergency shelter, and medical services are shutting down important services because of lack of volunteers or ability to keep people safe.
Now more than ever we have to wake up to the silent virus that was just given free rein in millions of children’s homes. I worry that among the things that will be most impacted because of this virus, we will see the loss of innocence in thousands of children, and even greater loss of trust in a world that can be safe, and an ability to self-protect.
We don’t know where and when we’ll come out on the other side of this pandemic, but we certainly will. This virus, like so many other viruses in the world will eventually calm, will go away or become much more manageable. But the disease of child abuse that has continued to run rampant in both our history books and our current lives is booming right now. It must be stopped.
The truth is, protecting our children from abuse means achieving a balance of prevention and intervention.
We must first prevent abuse from occurring at all costs. We can do this by understanding the following:
Behaviors are learned. Children are not born with violent tendencies. They act on them either by observing said behavior, or by not being held accountable for the behavior. While there is some evidence that suggests children, in particular boys, are more likely to engage in abusive behaviors if they observe them in their home, I believe our greatest issue is how we hold those who commit violent acts accountable for their actions. Often times, they are not held accountable at all. This sends a message that it is not a big deal.
Abuse is a public issue, not a private one. For millennia, people have looked at the aggression in the home as a personal issue - one that we didn’t do anything but gossip about. Sure, Joe down the road has a violent tendency but he provides for the family, he’s a good dad otherwise, leave it alone. We must become comfortable accepting the duality of a person. A person can be a good provider, but that doesn’t excuse the violence done, nor the need for protection of his family from him.
We must remove barriers for children to access help. Even without a pandemic going on, children and teens all over the US struggle to access resources that will protect them. With age limits on who can access emergency shelter, the limited shelters for children or teens, and the mandated reporting laws that force children to choose between suffering in silence or telling someone with the risk of more harm to come later, we have created a system primed for abuse. Abusers force victims into silence, and our system protects abuser’s ability to abuse, rather than empowering victims to come forward.
We must teach our children to manage emotions and behaviors. Children must learn to recognize their feelings and how they can control their responses to their feelings. It’s okay to be mad, it’s not okay to punch someone because you’re mad. When I’d go into schools and teach these emotional regulation techniques, it was shocking how little the students understood about their own responses to emotions. Of course, some of that stems from observing violence in their home, but others amount to the lack of education children receive about their own emotions and behaviors. And not surprisingly, children who grow up not managing their emotions turn into adults who can’t manage their emotions.
As for intervention strategies, we must listen to children with more than just our ears. We need to trust our guts and build more relationships with outside resources to create a sounding board of experienced professionals. This must become a team effort, collectively we thrive or fail.
We will not solve the issue of child abuse in a day. But if we all took a day to think deeply about the abuse so many children experience and how we could help, man… could you imagine the change that would happen in our society?
If you know or suspect a child is experiencing abuse, there is help. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233. Trained advocates will be able to walk you through options and safety planning. If you are a teen experiencing abuse, you can call or chat with a trained advocate via the Love Is Respect organization.
Though we feel alone… know that we are not alone.
You are not alone.
In truth,
Jess
