I remember sitting on the drive way, half in my car, half out. His blood was curdling. I could see the rage building up underneath his skin. His jaw tensed, his fingers bent around the wooden gift I’d spent days pasting pictures on and shellacking for him. In mere seconds, he snapped the wood in half and chucked it by my door. I don’t remember why he was upset. What sin I had apparently committed against him for the millionth time that week. I just knew I was in trouble, I needed to leave or I’d likely be the next thing he broke. Looking back on this singular incident of that violent relationship, I can’t help but think about the added barriers of a world wide pandemic seemingly handcuffing people to the violence they face at home.
I am one of the lucky ones. I am one of the women who safely walked out of an abusive relationship. My friends and family didn’t know the details of the abuse, though shortly after the final break up, they became aware of just how violent he was. Again, I count myself as one of the lucky ones. My family didn’t bare any of the violence, unlike the 20% of homicide victims whose family member was the victim of an abusive relationship.
When COVID-19 first entered our brain waves there was so much chaos around getting toilet paper, Clorox, and gloves that many didn’t stop to think of what the potential impact would be on victims of violence. In truth, I don’t blame society for not thinking about this, it’s a pandemic for a reason. Yet, now we are 8 months into it, each country handling it on their own terms, and in America we’re completely divided about this singular issue.
Despite this division, one thing remains clear. Local and federal governments around the world initiated strict safety measures without assuring resources and solutions to those in their communities experiencing violence. Women and children have consistently been in positions of vulnerability to abuse, with little resources on a good economy.
With the shutting down of court systems that process order of protections, divorce proceedings and child custody issues, those most vulnerable to this abuse found themselves desperate for not only safety from a pandemic, but safety from their homes, with no where to turn.
I’m not saying the Stay At Home orders many governors around the country put into place are to blame either. Violence in the home is not the fault of the government. Prior to COVID-19, victims of domestic abuse all around the world were restricted in where they went, if they could leave the house even, and many already wore thick glasses and hats to cover up bruises.
In fact, some of the key ways people who chose to abuse their partners maintain control are:
Isolating partner from friends, family or jobs - forcing them to rely soley on the abusive partner.
Gaslighting their partner - telling them their overthinking things, seeing things, or hearing things that aren’t true. Making them believe people all around them are untrustworthy
Monitoring who they do see if they can leave the house by using GPS tracking devices, accessing phone/e-mail/social media to make sure they are where they say they are.
Restricting access to food or medicine as “punishment”
Blaming their own violent behavior on their partner’s behavior
No privacy in bedrooms, bathrooms to assure their partner is doing “good”
However, if with that rates of domestic abuse prior to COVID-19, we are still learning just how this pandemic has impacted victims. Almost every country has reported an uptick in hospital services for victims with injuries consistent with domestic or intimate partner violence. Hotlines around the world, including the US have seen a significant increase in phone calls seeking shelter and support. Interestingly enough though, some centers even saw a decrease in calls, which is really scary!
While some may blame the added stress of financial insecurity, or 24/7 parental supervision, the addition of home-schooling or managing your children’s access to online schooling has provided a proper breeding ground for “rage building.” It’s important to recognize that violence doesn’t happen in a vacuum.
A person who lacks the emotional intelligence to manage their own emotions is a person capable of violence, but domestic violence is often being termed as “Domestic Terrorism” because truthfully, it more accurately describes the calculated abusive, manipulative behaviors people who violate their partners engage in.
Frankly, I’ve seen people who choose violence to find any reason to beat, berate or otherwise violate their partners or children.
Our lack of response and planning for these needs, whether they’ve been in the system for a long time, or are newly in it due to new or increased incidents of violence, is a referendum on our community.
Funding for emergency housing, rental/mortgage help, dedicated advocates to help navigate the legal system, free or low cost legal representation (which has been shown to significant benefit victims of violence when represented) is always an issue, but even more now that the Violence Against Women’s Act has STILL not been reauthorized by the United States Senate.
Now, how do we change this? How can YOU help?
Considering donating directly to a LOCAL organization that fights domestic violence. I know millions around the country are suffering with little to no income, so IF YOU CAN, donate what you would be spending on coffee, or eating out, to your local organizations so they can keep running.
Volunteer your time at a LOCAL organization. Even with the pandemic, organizations that combat things such as trafficking, domestic and sexual violence, still require advocates to answer phones, manage online chats, or run errands & provide support directly to victims. Agencies have been navigating how to make this safe, so IF YOU CAN, consider ways you can volunteer. (Note: Volunteering gives you EDUCATION!)
Educate yourself on the FACTS. Don’t buy into headlines or articles from non-reputable sources. There are A LOT of misleading and dangerous information going around the internet. Read articles, watch documentaries and follow LOCAL and NATIONAL agencies that spend years combating these issues for information.
Do you have a skill you can volunteer such as Legal, Childcare, Therapy? Consider ways you can support your LOCAL agencies with these skills.
CALL YOUR LEGISLATORS and tell them that VAWA MUST be reinstated, and that we need more funding for education & prevention of violence.
Educate your children. Support healthy relationship curriculum in your schools, faith communities and in your homes. Talk about healthy communication. Read books together and watch shows highlighting healthy ways to cope with anger, stress, sadness. Teach your kids consent!
Look, we’re all in this together. Whether we’re on the left or the right of politics. Whether we’re victims or loved ones of victims. We are in this together. Which means, together, we can end it.
In truth,
Jess
