Often times when we talk about violence, we tend to focus in on what the media generally highlights. We will talk about child sexual abuse as it pertains to recent breaking news stories related to the Catholic Church. We’ll talk about domestic violence through the lens of physical violence as it pops up. Rarely do we have authentic conversations about what intimate partner violence or family violence looks like. We must start speaking about it, or we’ll continue to see high rates of violence in our homes and our community.
Lately, I’ve seen articles or social media posts discussing “murder-suicides” with some generic offer of hope and usually a statement like, “motive unknown” … typically the spouse in the relationship that committed the murder is a male, while the victims are females and children. As these cases are investigated, most often there is a release of information about “controlling and jealous” behavior on the behalf of the male. Rarely do these articles say the words, “victims killed due to domestic violence.” It leads me to wonder why we’re so afraid to acknowledge violence by its name….
A few weeks ago I saw a video on one of my social media threads of a man, clearly under the influence of alcohol or something, at a public bar ranting about his presidential candidate, and he got so out of hand he punched a female staffer as they tried to calm him down. My immediate thought was that this is unlikely the first time he’s been this aggressive, let alone this aggressive to a woman. The rage he displayed is not a “one off” incident (later researched proved right, he has a long rap sheet with the local PD) regardless of how many people would want to say it is upon first viewing this video. Alcohol doesn’t cause rage, it merely lets it out of the cage.
If I’m being honest, our media’s inability to call something what it is, is incredibly disheartening. We see this happen when it comes to race based crimes, where often times white men being investigated, or even arrested for mass murders are given the “benefit of doubt” while African American and other BIPOC are instantly looked at as guilty, with any previous mug shots used in the description of the alleged crime. People who sexually abuse children through trafficking are often reported as “seeking sex with a minor” rather than reporting the crime they’ve been arrested and charged with – rape of a minor.
It is because of these news articles/shows- in my opinion- that we have such a difficult time as a community even recognizing the pervasive nature of gendered based violence in our society. Not only this, but because of how pervasive violence is in our society, our own unresolved trauma significantly impacts the way we view violence outside of ourselves. We may be more likely to ignore verbal assaults, or sexual harassment if we’ve grown up in a home running rampant with these issues. We may even compare our own experiences of violence and decide that anything less than what our experience of violence is, is not violence but just an example of “weak” people. I’ve heard this argument made by Bill Marr, who suggests that anyone complaining about Joe Biden’s touchy-feely behavior is just unprepared for the world.
The truth is, we cannot see a violence free world until we see and hear the oppressed in our world. Of course, I can look at someone as old as Joe Biden and think, he grew up in a different time. A time when men held the backs of women as they walked into stores, restaurants or cars. A time when you called women, “sweetie” regardless of whether or not they were your family member. Yet, what I think is important for us to recognize is that we shouldn’t be afraid of change. Change and growth is apart of a healthy brain. The ability to do one thing yesterday, hear new information and change your behavior for tomorrow. The reality is, slavery was always wrong, not just wrong by today’s standards.
What does it cost us to no longer believe we have a right to touch another person’s body just because we have a penis? How does it significantly change your life if you can’t hug someone just because you’re a hugger? I guess the question I am asking is…. Why is it so hard to love & respect people they way they ask to be loved & respected?
Am I suggesting that hugging someone without their consent is a form of sexual assault? No, unless your pressing your genitals against that person, or pressing theirs against you. I am suggesting that we don’t have an accurate understanding of the way those in power have used violence in order to maintain power. I am suggesting, if it feels like an oppressive act for you to stop doing something towards another person, perhaps you don’t have an accurate understanding of the meaning of oppression…. I am suggesting that until the oppressed are allowed to define violence, the oppression will never stop.
Violence in the world will continue to exist for as long as we allow it. Let me say that again… I really want you, specifically you, the reader to soak this statement in. Violence in the world will continue to exist as long as we allow it. It isn’t happening because of one off, grumpy individuals who desire to see the world burn. It is happening because collectively we’ve yet to agree to some common goals, and set aside our own understanding of trauma to hear the experiences of others.
My experience of trauma doesn’t make me an expert in all child sexual abuse. It does give me expert understanding in my own experience of child sexual abuse. It does give me the authority to speak out on what I believe needs to be implemented on a broad level for prevention efforts. It doesn’t give me the right to not hear other victims of child sexual abuse speak. It doesn’t give me the right to define child sexual abuse as only those that closely match my own experiences. It brings me to the table, where I’m begging for others to show up.
Our children deserve a world without violence. Without the fear that someone will inappropriately touch them. But more than this, because while I truly believe we can see a world free of violence - if we work towards it, I also believe that children need more people in the world who will believe them. Who will remove those unsafe people from their children’s life without questioning whether or not the sacrifice is one they want to make. Because let me say this, the pain I experienced from the abuse was the first knife in the self worth I had. The pain I suffered every time someone didn’t believe me, was another knife in what little self worth I had left after the abuse.
We can only end this when we refuse to continue sugar coating what violence is, and what it looks like. When we open our minds to hear the experiences of offers, to validate them and take their experiences as truth. This doesn’t mean we’ll come to full agreements on how to “punish” those in this world who violate another person. Believing victims isn’t always going to be easy, but I believe that once we begin honestly talking about violence, calling it what it is, we will open the door to validation, and growth towards a violence free world.
It starts with you.
In truth,
Jess
