What would you do if you found out that administrators of a group you were in were accepting cash from certain people in order to access the group content which involved your child? For several hundred women, this exact situation happened last week on a breastfeeding group on Facebook. This got me thinking even more about how important it is that as adults we also learn how to use social media wisely, especially when it involves our children. So, let’s talk about four ways to interact with social media and what boundaries we should consider incorporating.
As a first time mom who spends most of her time working towards ending sexual violence, I took a lot of time to consider how I would interact with social media once my child was born. I decided I wouldn’t share images of her on social media, and if I did, it wouldn’t be on a public profile and only by invite. This decision works for me, however others may choose to share images of their children on public profiles and that’s totally okay. I just think it’s important that we try to remember some things when it comes to social media.
First, I’ll never forget the advice my dad gave me when I first heard that dial up tone [all my older millennial readers just heard it didn’t you?] and waiting the agonizing 2 minutes for this secret world to appear on my clunky PC monitor. He said, “The internet is a fantasy place. Don’t believe what you read and never believe what someone tells you about themselves when you go onto chats. The number one rule is to have fun, and never share personal details about your life such as where you live, your phone number, pictures of yourself, or any information that could be used to locate you." He told me that everyone I spoke to would be lying, so just have fun and be safe. While I believe this is still very much the case for most of the internet today, our interaction with the internet has changed and now it is apparently best way to share our lives with folks, especially for our younger millennial and Gen Z folks.
The rise of social media networks like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok and Snap Chat, etc. have provided an easy way to share minute by minute updates of our lives to people across the world. It’s common place to know what your co-worker had for lunch even without having lunch with them now a days. Can you image the baby boomer generation sending polaroids to their work acquaintances daily of what they ate for lunch? Such a strange world we live in.
If only the pictures we’re seeing on social media were as harmless as pictures of soup and salad. I’ve seen folks posting pictures of their children in the bathtub, naked newborn pictures, and even images of their bum’s asking other moms to give them medical advice.
With regard to the breastfeeding mom’s group, I think it’s important that first I make it clear that posting images of breastfeeding your child isn’t pornographic and people need to stop sexualizing breastfeeding moms. The goal of the group was to offer support, and as a breastfeeding mom myself I promise you, there are so many questions and challenges! I can only imagine how these women felt when they discovered that the admin was taking cash from men, especially when the women were told via the group rules that there were no men allowed in the group.
Since I’m not in that group I can’t say for 100% certainty that women were sharing images of their breasts or them breastfeeding. Even if they weren’t sharing images, I’m certain there was discussion around what their breasts look like as it’s fairly common to read even in non dedicated groups for breastfeeding and while it’s not inappropriate in the least, it is still a major violation!
It is one thing for me to knowingly go into a space where I know men will be able to see me breastfeeding, potentially being able to see my breast, or hearing me share details about my body. It is another thing entirely to enter a space believing one thing only to find out another thing. To those thinking, “hey, it’s social media! Nothing is private. It’s on them!” Think of this way. If I were to go into a room for moms in a mall and find out that the mall was letting men pay to access secret cameras, we’d be up in arms. Just because something is happening on social media, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be afforded the same benefits of privacy.
The truth is, social media isn’t the safe haven many in our generation have made it out to be. It can feel wonderful to get those likes and engagement. Social media has opened the door to many in this world who would otherwise be lonely and struggle to make connections face to face however we should still be wise when using it. I remember when Snap Chat first arrived on the scene, and all the teens were happily sharing videos and images with a false security that the images were deleted only to discover a thing called screen shots. The internet provides a veil for evil leaving vast majority of folks who use the internet innocently to become victims of those who love to see the world burn.
Not only this, even when we share seemingly harmless images or content of our children, we have no control over what happens with that image/content. For instance, on TikTok you can “stitch” videos - essentially reacting to someone else’s video. One person discovered the videos she uploaded on her child was being stitched by a man she didn’t know and when she went to his profile all he had on there was videos of him watching infants and toddlers. Who knows exactly why this man did this, but it’s certainly not something I would want my child to be involved in.
It’s unfortunate that we live in a world where the innocent are violated as often as they are. I believe we should continue to work towards preventing violence from happening and really understanding why drives people to harm children and providing the necessary response and services to keep them from harming children. In the mean time, I do believe that as parents we are responsible to protect our children and make sure that we are considering how our actions be impact them.
Here are four tips for creating safe and healthy boundaries around social media usage, especially when sharing content of children:
Invite Only - if using social media is the best way to update friends and family on your children’s life, consider having a private account which only your friends and family can access.
No Hashtags - Hashtags are all the rage now on certain platforms, but the danger is that even with a private account when you use a hashtag your image can come up. If you’re using a common hashtag such as #babiesofinstagram (I don’t even know if that’s a real hashtag!) then you’ll likely have to search through hundreds of images before seeing yours, but if you’re using your child’s name, that’s another story. Of course, unless someone knows the hashtag there is still a safety around it, but it’s not as safe as not using one, obviously.
Clothes only - You’d be surprised how often I see images of babies and toddlers in bathtubs or posts asking group members if they know what the rash or injury on their child is. Let me be clear, taking images of your child naked isn’t pornography, unless of course you are making it that. The point is that those images just aren’t appropriate on social media. I’d be incredibly upset if my folks took pictures of me naked as a toddler and mailed them to their friends, family, co-workers etc. If you’re concerned about a rash or medical issue, send it to your pediatrician, not Nancy on the moms group.
No Details - Do not give details away on where you live or “checking in” when offered. Don’t post about different gyms & classes that you go to with your children, or where they attend school or extra curricular activities. All of these, if on a public profile, can easily tell someone who has ill intentions how to find your child and potentially hurt them.
There you have it. Just 4 tips which I hope you will consider before you hit that send button on your phone. What are some other things or ways you use social media safely to share about your children? if you don’t, comment below some of your reasons!
The truth is, sharing our children’s lives with family and friends is so much fun, but we should model healthy boundaries for our children and be mindful of how they may feel about the images and content you put out there while they were little.
In truth,
Jess
