It’s the conversation no parent wants to have with their kid, but it is one of the most important conversations you can have with your child. Believe it or not, the way you talk about pornography with your kids is going to make or break the situation. Let’s chat about why it’s important to talk about pornography with your children first, and then I’ll give you 5 tips to make this conversation easier and more productive.
You might be thinking to yourself that you don’t need to talk about this because your family doesn’t consume pornography therefore there is no reason your child would even think about it. Unfortunately this isn’t the 1940’s where pornography is relegated to the pile of playboy bunnies underneath your bed. The advancements in technology have only worsened the issues of pornography by making it easier to find than ever.
One of the top streaming platforms for pornography, PornHub, reports that it’s site had nearly 42 billion visits in 2019 to its page. It’s easy to understand why when all you have to do is type in the word porn on your browser and you’ll have your pick of any website showing this. Once on these streaming platforms you’ll be able to find anything you’d like, including material that perpetuates violence against women and minorities. It’s estimated that up to 88% of videos display some type of physical aggression towards women according to Fight The New Drug, an organization dedicated to stopping pornography.
The reality is, whether you are for or against pornography, there are a lot of studies out there that show the potential damaging impacts of it on our brains. Coupled with that knowledge and the fact that children’s brains are not yet developed yet and highly malleable, it makes sense that we take this conversation seriously. Youth are able to access pornographic materials on any device that have access to the internet or wifi - including social media apps with direct messaging capabilities.
As sexting, the act of sending explicit pictures/videos or language to another person via cell phones/tablets, etc. becomes more popular, even youth who are monitored on their internet usage may receive images or videos they weren’t planning on OR may send pictures not understanding that these two are pornographic material with their own consequences.
Let’s talk about 5 tips on making this conversation with youth easier!
Be open and honest about your opinions about this subject. If you consume pornography don’t tell your children you don’t. Of course this isn’t information your child should know if you do, but don’t lie. Instead, be honest that this is not for young minds or speak to the reasons you believe it shouldn’t be consumed if you want to stop watching or using it. If your child is of an age where you feel it is appropriate to discuss your past usage/addiction then do that if you want. I’d recommend role playing this conversation with your partner as well. Work out any tough conversations and reactions prior to talking to your kids.
Start young! Kids as young as 8 or 9 are starting to access pornographic material online or in social media applications. The younger you start the easier these conversations will be. Hopefully you’ve discussed it before they’ve seen it and can help them understand why they shouldn’t access it.
Ask open ended questions. Let your child or children lead the conversation. Ask them if they’ve seen it before. If they have ask them what they thought about it. Did they like anything they saw? How did they feel when they saw it? Let them guide the conversation and use this as an opportunity to engage in a healthy conversation about their thoughts and feelings on this topic.
Do not shame. Whatever you do, make sure you don’t shame or guilt your child if they say they’ve watched it, or have been watching it a lot, or even sending images and videos, or don’t have negative feelings about it. Children are so susceptible to experiencing shame about their sexuality and it is important to separate the actions of the child from the reasons you believe porn is bad for them. Porn can have damaging effects on youth and they may not like what they see but may also not understand why they felt things in their body. Make sure they understand sexual arousal is normal if they share they felt that way. It does not mean they are violent. Porn is made to excite people just like a marvel movie is made to evoke emotions.
Help them establish their values. Don’t say things like, “because I said so”. I know it can feel easiest to say it rather than trust that your child will make the right choice, but what I’ve found in speaking with youth is that when they are the ones making the decision it is a lot easier to ignore peer pressure. Talk through why they don’t want to see pornography by sharing some of the reasons you don’t, or the studies/videos. Share why it’s important to not send pictures of videos of themselves or others. Talk about consent. Lastly, help them understand that regardless of if they want to see it or not, pornography should not be viewed by any under 18 years old.
Talking about this issue is never easy but it is unfortunately something that every adult with children should be talking about. A bonus 6th tip is know that this is not a one time conversation. Prepare to talk to your kids about this as they grow and help reestablish their own values and feelings on the subject.
The truth is, if you’re not going to talk to your kids about it, they’ll talk to each other and sadly, what they will learn is that intimacy and sex are about aggression and domination. Happy talking!
in truth,
Jess
