Talking can be difficult, can’t it? I find that most people are genuinely interested in helping others but maybe find that their words fall flat. There are countless phrases people have in their back pocket for when they hear about bad things. Truth be told though, most people would rather no one tell them anything bad. I mean, obviously. Yet, bad things do happen, and when bad things happen it is important for people to be able to talk about it. Let’s chat about the 4 worst things you can say to a victim/survivor of sexual violence, and then give you some new phrases to put in that pocket of yours.
You’re so dramatic. Believe it or not this is one of the most common things spoken to people who’ve experienced sexual violence. I know, you’re wondering how? How on earth can anyone say something so cruel? It’s easy. As a culture we are radicalized (used for dramatic effect) to believe simply talking through trauma is dramatic. Take for instance the way we talk about people seeking support for suicidal thoughts. Have you ever heard, “people who are really going to do it don’t talk about it. Anyone else is seeking attention.” Sure, there are a lot of times people will say that they never knew, but there are equally a lot of times when talking about it stopped a person from ending their life. Reserve the drama comments for the drama club.
When will you get over this? What I hear when I hear someone saying this is, “stop bothering me with this issue. It’s not a big enough deal to hear about.” Trauma is anything but linear. A fantastic book on trauma is The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD. This book does a wonderful job explaining how traumatic experiences are filtered in the brain and why treatment and healing can look so differently for different people. Many victim/survivors never had an opportunity to integrate the trauma they experienced until years later, and integration takes time, support and care. Healing is a rollercoaster, and rollercoasters are more fun when riding with friends who can laugh with you, and hold your hand when you’re scared.
That’s not “rape rape” though. I mean, does this even need to be explained? We have a very limited understanding of what rape and sexual assault are. This is made even more difficult given the legal codes vary by state, the terminology is also very different, and the way that each county’s prosecutor handles sex crimes is also different. Head to RAINN to see a brief overview of the types of sexual violence and better familiarize yourself with different terms. Remember that victim/survivors will use the terms they prefer, let them define their experience and support that. There is no reason to challenge it unless you’re the prosecutor or their lawyer and want them to know what the legal terms will be during court.
You need to forgive and forget to heal. Nothing could be further from the truth. Forgiveness has been used against survivors of almost all forms of violence whether we’re talking about genocide, murder, or rape. There is a push to understand why people did the things they did and have compassion. Let me be clear. You do not owe the person who harmed you compassion or forgiveness. Of course I think for many, forgiveness has found its way into their healing journey and it has been beautiful, but for others, forgiveness may not be the right direction. Everyone is on their own journey. What worked for you may not work for someone else. And lastly, too often our society requires forgiveness but refuses accountability.
There, that wasn’t so bad right? Here’s what to say when someone talks to you about experience a sexual assault.
I am sorry you experienced that. Would you like to talk more about it?
It is not your fault. Nothing you did caused this to happen to you.
You’re not alone.
I believe you.
Here is a hotline number to keep just incase you can’t get ahold of me or another support person.
Would you like to eat some ice cream and chocolate and talk more?
It’s okay to sign off of social media or put down the news if things get too be too much.
You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.
I’m sorry. How can I help you in this moment?
Do you feel safe in this moment? How could you if you don’t?
The truth is, violence happens in this world and until we can truly discuss and challenge the reasons for this, we must find a way to love, honor, value and support one another while we heal.
In truth,
Jess
