I’ve been a mother for 882 days; this doesn’t include the 273 days that my beautiful child lay inside my body growing. Every single moment, I’ve been consumed with the knowledge that the greatest task I’ve been given in this life is to nurture and love this tiny soul into the human she was always meant to be. Mother’s Day has felt different since becoming a mother. Now, I am intimately aware of the sacrifices, struggles, heartaches, and choices every mother on this earth has to embrace in their own journey of motherhood. But there are some struggles that too many women face alone. Struggles that leave them sitting in the dark, year after year, in shame and guilt. We spoke of this, brought this shame forward, and drowned it in truth. To help us do this, my friend and colleague, Amanda Pulley, is bravely sharing her story, your stories, here.
You know the drill. You drag yourself to the card aisle and find yourself sighing and reading through what amounts to “too many to count” Mother’s Day cards, trying to find the “right one.” You say to yourself, “Why can’t I find a card somewhere between “You were the mom I needed, my best friend, I love you” and sending her a “blank inside” Mother's Day card.” How exactly are we supposed to honor our mothers when they never honored us?
I wish that this was the only thing I dreaded about Mother's Day, but the addition of knowing that I will wake up to no laughter of children as they “quietly” make me breakfast in bed. There'll be no fresh-picked flowers littering my kitchen table. No hugs and kisses from my beautiful children. An emptiness in my womb extends toward my heart. A longing to breathe in their stinky breaths, to smell the sweat of their skin after they play, to kiss their booboos away. To be the kind of mother that gets that first card. But my children were stolen by violence.
Don’t get me wrong, I know motherhood is not all flowers and sunshine. Over the last eight years, I have had the pleasure of meeting so many of you women who, like me, have had your children stolen by violence. Its something you don’t talk about and you don’t share until you find that person that you just know- you know she has experienced it too, and then you sit and well you cry together- the pain comes in waves, and it overwhelms you because in that moment you know you’re not alone.
So this Mothers Day, I want you to know you are not alone! I stand with every mother who has had a child they had to say goodbye to far too soon.
I stand with those who lost their children in their wombs due to the violence of a trafficker, pimp, or abusive partner.
I stand with the mothers who lost their children in the court system.
I stand with the mothers who had no choice but to walk away from their children because of an abusive partner.
I stand with the mother who thought their relationship with their children would look one way, and their abusive partner dictated the relationship so heavily that their children despise them.
I stand with the mothers who’ve had to learn how to mother themselves and navigate a toxic relationship with their own.
I stand with the women who’ve said goodbye to their living mothers because they were unsafe to be around.
To every mom who wears long sleeves to hide the abuse, to every mom who is unsure if she should leave, to every mom who is trying to decide if she should stay and risk her life or leave and risk losing her children- know this you are worth it! You are stronger than you know; your life is worth it. I see you, and I stand with you.
This Mothers Day will pass, but our collective pain will live on tomorrow, and we will continue to hold space for the hope that tomorrow will be different. And even if tomorrow is the same, as mothers, we will move forward, hand in hand.
I see you. I am with you. We are in this together.
-Amanda
When Amanda first started to share with me more about her motherhood story, and the experiences she has had as both a victim/survivor of sex trafficking and domestic violence, I felt my heart break time and time again. Amanda’s story is one of absolute darkness and incredible triumph as she continues to fight to reclaim what was stolen from her. In the years that I’ve had the privilege to work with her and call her my friend, I’ve consistently been inspired by her willingness to dig into the ditches and lift the women out by showing them their own strength. When she asked me to write a collective letter, I knew that we needed to do it, and I want to leave you with some important truths.
It is estimated that between 3.3 million and 10 million children are exposed to domestic violence yearly.
In a study that looked over roughly 4,000 cases of women losing custody of their children in divorce proceedings, in roughly 44% of those cases, the abusive partner claimed something known as “parental alienation.”
Parental alienation first appeared on the scene in 1985 by Dr. Richard Gardner, who argued that children in heated custody battles might experience “parental alienation syndrome.”
While most would look at the family court system and argue that it typically results in favor of the mother, in cases where the father, the alleged abusive partner, claimed parental alienation was at play, only 28% of mothers retained permanent custody.
72% of murders/suicide involve intimate partners, and 94% of these murders, the children witnessed.
2019 Study, 90% of victims of domestic violence experienced pregnancy loss due to violence in the UK.
The truth is violence is stealing our children. It harms and robs them of joy and comfort from the very beings who brought them into this world. It is important more than ever to stand up and make changes in our community to prevent this violence.
In Truth,
Amanda Pulley and Jessica Teresi
Amanda Pulley is a Survivor and Human Trafficking Expert. Click more to find out more about Amanda’s story and to work with Amanda! Make sure to head over to Facebook and check them out there too!
Resources:
If you or someone you know is currently being trafficked, or involved in the sex industry and would like help, please call 888-373-788 or text HELP to 233733.
If you or someone you know is currently the victim of domestic or intimate partner violence and would like help, please call 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
If you or someone you know is currently the victim of sexual assault and would like help, please call 1-800-656-4673 or visit RAINN.org to chat with an advocate.
