I recently read a post from someone who said during a disagreement with their partner they pushed them, and in response their partner choked them. They wanted to know if they should leave the relationship even though it’s been years and their partner hasn’t acted out aggressively since then. After reading further in the comments, the poster stated that their partner was blocking their way out the house and they shoved them to move them. Even without this information, the comments this poster was receiving are indicative of how little we understand about strangulation and domestic violence. We should talk about that.
It’s important to note that violence in a relationship of any kind is unacceptable. Regardless of gender, no one has a right to make another person feel weak, disempowered, or violated. We are responsible for our emotions and how we respond to them, not those around us.
However, while there certainly are times we can see unhealthy relationships where both partners have unhealthy coping mechanisms, we don’t see abuse “on both sides”. Domestic Violence, Sexual Violence, any type of abuse is an established pattern of behaviors, or an instance of violence through which power and control is achieved. I include this last part because it’s important to understand that someone may physically beat someone up in their romantic relationship one time, but that one time may lead to significant life long issues, including death. Despite it only being one time, I would still classify that person as a victim of domestic violence.
Even within those unhealthy relationships that we see, it is important that we understand that in abusive relationships, there is someone who holds more power and maintains that through violence. Instilling fear in your partner is a form of manipulation and control. Certainly this would mean that strangling your partner is a form of violence provoking fear in their partner.
Not only this, but partners who have been strangled by their romantic partners are at a significantly higher risk of death than those who haven’t been strangled. Not only because strangulation is an incredibly personal and violent act, but because it doesn’t actually take much pressure or a long period of time, before you can have brain damage. This is why many states are starting to have domestic violence screenings ask if there has been any strangulation.
Strangling someone is not even remotely close to shoving someone - though both are not okay, the risk of imminent harm and further abuse is greater towards the victim who was strangled and not the victim that was shoved. Having had more information about this incident however, it is clear that the victim in this case is the person who was strangled.
However, reading the comment section highlighted a lot of my worries around how society handles conversations around domestic violence. Too often, society rushes to suggest therapy, as if therapy is a cure all for everything. While therapy, namely couples therapy, can really help couples learn to communicate their needs, wants and desires better. Couples therapy cannot fix a relationship that has abuse in it. The reason is because the abuse isn’t happening due to the couples inability to communicate to each other. There isn’t anything the victim of the violence can fix in order to make the abuse stop. The only way abuse stops is if the person choosing violence stops choosing violence.
Individual counseling is extremely beneficial. I believe that people have the power to change. Perhaps not all people, but I truly believe the vast majority of people have the ability to be and do better in their life. Individual counseling can help people better understand themselves and recognize their triggers and unhealthy cycles in their life so that they can live a happier, more functional life, free of violence. But this can only happen if the person committing acts of violence recognizes they are being violent. Sadly, this doesn’t always happen.
So, in this particular situation, so many people called the violence “both/and” which we’ve already addressed is not the case here, and even if it was, it isn’t an equal “both/and” situation. They also recommended couples therapy to work on communication, while only a small amount of people addressed the risks associated with strangulation and recommended this person seek further guidance and potentially leave the relationship. This is the scary part.
The vast majority of victims of any kind of intimate partner or family violence will first talk with their friends or family. They will not use words like, “He beats the crap out of me.” Or “she rapes me”. Instead, people will use common words and describe what is happening.
Often, we see victims own their own perceived mistakes as they share the story for advice, similar to what this poster did. “Last night we were arguing and I raised my voice… I was so out of control that he slapped me. But I really needed to calm down, ya know. It like… snapped me out of it. I hate how I get….” Or “I mean, she is right. I need to initiate sex more. I just have been so stressed at work and I don’t know. It’s not fair for her to go with out. We’re in a relationship after all.”
Knowing the way that people talk about the experience of domestic or sexual violence is really helpful because this means that we can have a better understanding of red flags to look for when someone says these types of things.
Instead of agreeing and saying, “have you considered therapy to manage how you respond to anger?” Or “yea, I mean, sex is an important part of a relationship so maybe you could try some medications or slow down on work stuff.”
You can say, “I am really sorry that happened to you. It must have been scary to be hit by him. Does this happen often?” Or “It’s okay for you to say no to having sex. You don’t owe your partner access to your body just because you’re married.”
The truth is that until we learn to identify the difference between unhealthy and abusive, we will continue to unknowingly encourage people to stay in dangerous situations, or stay in relationships ourselves that are dangerous.
To learn more about the signs of domestic violence, check out National Domestic Violence Hotline or contact your local domestic violence agency and take one of their trainings!
If you know someone or think you are in an abusive relationship and would like to talk to someone about it, you can call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or visit National Domestic Violence Hotline website.
In Truth,
Jess
