There are typically only a few ways the conversation goes when one tells a friend/family member they’ve experienced a sexual assault, regardless of time between the sharing and the assault. Person says, “I think I was just assaulted” and the other person responds in one of three ways. 1. Are you sure? 2. You need to report to the police! and 3. Did you report to the police? Notice how the most obvious and seemingly easy thing to say is missing from these three most often reported responses? A response like, “I’m so sorry! What do you need from me right now?”
Look, I get it. Hearing that someone you care deeply for experienced a sexual assault is never easy. Our mind immediately goes into a place of wanting to deny the assault happened, hence the question “are you sure?” to wanting to make sure the assault can’t happen to us. I know you may be thinking, “Jess… That’s absurd, that last thing people are thinking about when telling someone to report a crime to the police is from a selfish motive.” I’d love to say your initial push back is correct, but let’s follow this thought pattern of mine out a bit and see if we’re both being fully honest in our review of this issue.
Did you know that reporting a sexual assault to police rarely results in the arrest, charge and criminal punishment of an offender? In fact, according to RAINN, out of 1000 sexual assaults it is estimated that only 4.6 individuals who committed the sexual assault will actually see any jail time. Now, in full disclosure, I’ve seen rape culture deniers try to suggest that this figure is distorted. So, allow me to just say that in my own experience as an advocate for victims of sexual assault, I saw more cases denied and dropped by police and/or prosecution than I saw individuals held accountable in the criminal justice system.
In fact, in my home state of MN, the Star Tribune did a series on sexual assault cases throughout the state and found glaringly obvious failures on both the part of prosecution and investigations leading to an absurdly low rate of charges, convictions and jail time. Police blamed prosecutors, prosecutors blamed legislators and the Adam and Eve blame game goes on - what’s worse is so does the blatant disregard for the needs of victims/survivors.
The reality is, much of our understanding of the criminal justice system is limited to the knowledge we get in k thru 12 - which isn’t much. Like many discovered in 2016 about the political system of America, we don’t know what we don’t know. For too many, the police are seen as the 1 stop shop for all things crime. If a crime happened, call the police and they’ll solve it for us and the bad guys will be taken off the street. But, as I’ve said many times before, the criminal justice system is just that - a system. A system that one needs to truly understand to know how to play the game, let alone win it.
Not all things we’d deem a crime are punishable by the court of law, but the biggest issue we face is, just because a crime did occurr, it doesn’t mean it can be proven in the court of law. Police look for evidence of a crime and pass that evidence off to a prosecutor who determines whether or not there is enough there to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that both a crime happened and the individual being charged with the crime is the one who committed it. This is often where the breakdown happens. Investigators may start to base their investigations off of what they know will be accepted by the prosecution because frankly they are paid too little, understaffed and how annoying is it to know an assault happened and the prosecution won’t do anything about it. Of course there are always those shotty investigators, but in my years of work all the investigators I’ve meant truly care about the victim/survivors, but are peeved at the system as a whole.
So, now that we know a bit about the process of reporting a crime, why I am I suggesting that victim’s don’t report? I am not. I am suggesting that the reason we’re often given whilst being told to report is not a good enough reason and in fact is rooted in rape culture as opposed to trauma informed care for victims/survivors.
The realty is for many non-BIPOC folks, living in a place with police seems like the safest place to be. We may even look at crime statistics before moving to certain areas…. But did you know police are able to fudge those statistics in order to make their city look safer? I don’t know how many do, but back in my home state I know of one precinct in particular that would never code domestic violence as such, and would instead code it as something entirely different. In fact, on one occasion when there was a domestic violence incident including a stabbing, they didn’t report it as such…. Why? I’ll need another blog post to explain that inner working I think.
For many of us non-BIPOC, our world has been formed around the idea that there are good and bad people. Cops are the good people that get the bad people, they keep us safe. But cops are limited by the statutes in their city, county and states. And truly, considering that around 90% of sexual assaults are committed by people we know, we don’t need the black and blue out hunting down the people in the community committing sexual assaults - we already know them! What we need is accountability - and that comes through a plethora of ways, one of which being prosecution.
We’re told growing up to avoid dark alleys, drinks from people we don’t know, dates in isolated areas. Videos still propagate around social media proclaiming to be advice from men who’ve previously sexually assaulted women on what the women did to make it easier for them to choose to sexually assault them and we women drink this shit up! Seriously? We’re taking advice from people who sexually assault people now? How much longer will we let the oppressors speak for us?
For some reason, our society is more comfortable with accepting evil as ingrained and genetic as opposed to taught and ignored. Certainly, I agree that there are individuals on this earth who want to see it burn, but even as I think of one of the scariest people who committed sexual assaults combined with murder - the golden gate rapist/murderer, his background shows a conditioning to this behavior rather than a genetic predisposition to committing sexual assault and murder. Plus, just using his cases as an example - almost every single victim left living after the assault reported the crime to police and he went on to sexually assault and murder over 100 men and women. Of course our policing has gotten much better, but, folks - reporting to police simply does not guarantee an assault will not happen again.
Furthermore, as a society we must stop thinking of prevention solely in terms of primary prevention tactics. We have focused so long on the potential behaviors of would be victims and we have not seen a single decline in that teaching alone. Why? It’s simple. People choose to rape because they can, and most likely they’ll get away with it. Especially if it happens on a college campus or bar where there was drinking.
When we focus on changing my behavior as opposed to changing the behaviors of those who may chose to sexually assault someone, all we are doing is shifting victims. Think of it this way. When a truck has lost it’s breaks on a steep road, it uses an off ramp that it can go onto which will take it up a slope. We don’t force cars to decide whether or not the truck behind them still has use of its breaks. That would be absurd. It would protect very few people. Our sexual assault prevention work is too much like this and we need to change it up and give those runaway individuals a lane to use.
In truth, when we speak to victim/survivors and encourage them to report to police, we speak from a place of fear. This can’t be real. It’s wrong this happened. I don’t want it to happen to anyone else. Could it happen to me? If police arrest the person, I’m back to feeling safe and that the world is working right. But the victim/survivor isn’t back to normal. In fact, normal for the victim/survivor will most likely never happen - though a new normal will happen. But the victim/survivor will have months/potentially years of criminal justice stuff ahead of them. Weeks and months may go by before they even hear from the detective on their case. They will be asked a series of questions over and over. Have to face different people in the system over and over. Be questioned by an attorney representing the person who assaulted them. Potentially have to face them 15 or 20 years after the assault again if they actually go to prison.
When we ask victim/survivors to make a police report, we’re not asking them to hand it off to someone else, we’re asking them to spend countless hours for the rest of their life making sure another human doesn’t choose to hurt another person…. and we often force victim/survivors to do this in silence and alone.
Our goal in advocacy work is to prevent violence from happening, not simply respond to it when it does. Preventing violence through criminal justice means is just one way some victims/survivors choose is best for them. But for many victims/survivors reporting to police leads to dead ends, more trauma and more pain - and the community suffers by having more sexual assaults happen.
When we hear someone we love or care about tell us that they’ve experienced a sexual assault, we must work towards changing our internal dialogue, sometimes silently working in the background of our brains because of years of brainwashing. Our responses should be simple and clear:
I am so sorry that has happened.
Thank you for trusting me to share this with.
Is there anything I can do right now?
I just want you to know, this isn’t your fault.
I am here for you
Would you like to talk to someone? A doctor? Advocate? Police officer?
Victim/survivors must be in control of where they go after they disclose. Our job in that moment is to prioritize their wants, their fears, their needs. Perhaps they won’t know right away. Giving them time to navigate their options is best. If a child reports a sexual assault, of course, if you’re required to by law, you should follow your duty and report. I only ask you include the child in that report as much as possible and give them the power.
When I was a mandated reporter, I always let the child know I had to report but would actually love for them to make that report to see how empowering it can be. This helped maintain a positive relationship between myself and the minor and continue to make sure they got the support they needed through advocacy no matter how the investigation panned out.
Remember… We all want a safe society and community. It is not the responsibility of victim/survivors to keep you safe. It is our responsibility as a society to create and foster a safe, educated and healthy community. We do that through prevention work, not through retroactive responses to violence.
In truth,
Jess
